Between Stimulus & Response There Can Be Paralysis: How to Close the Knowing-Doing Gap
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl
The quote above is often cited by academics and practitioners in the mental health field to capture the importance of intentionally responding versus reacting. Reactions are quick, automatic, emotion-driven, and reflexive actions. This quote is used in reference to unhelpful reactions, but it is imperative to note reactions are vitally important and can be helpful and adaptive. If I am crossing a road and a car comes zooming in my direction, my body will reflexively try to move itself to safety. I may reach the sidewalk before I can consciously register what happened, and thank goodness! My body’s quick reaction may have saved my life. Imagine if I consciously had to assess the situation and deliberately choose my behavior in that circumstance. I imagine myself pausing in the middle of the crosswalk asking, “What should I do in this situation?” Even entertaining that question for a few seconds could cost me my life.
However, there are other situations in which these emotional reactions may be less helpful and lead us to behave in ways that we may later regret. Examples might include saying a mean comment in the heat of the moment, yelling when frustrated, impulsively drinking when stressed, or going on a spending spree when sad or lonely. Between the stimulus (or trigger) that evokes the emotional reaction, there can ideally be space (and increasingly so with practice) to be mindful of one’s emotions and action urges and to pause and choose to respond in an intentional way that aligns with one’s values and goals. Examples may include walking away instead of saying the mean comment, taking a deep breath before speaking in a normal voice tone rather than yelling, going for a walk instead of drinking when stressed, or reaching out for support instead of shopping when sad or lonely. Therapy and self-help literature and content often emphasize the importance of the pause to allow for emotion regulation in favor of intentional actions. And I agree and incorporate this principle in therapy accordingly, yet this does not capture the full picture.
Many of my patients, especially those who present with anxiety, often have the opposite problem - the space made between the stimulus and value-driven response can be really, really big. That is, they know what they want to do, can identify action steps they can take that align with their values and goals, but they delay productive action for a whole host of reasons, primarily fear and related avoidance (a reaction of sorts). Examples include procrastinating tasks and assignments, not returning text messages from friends despite wanting stronger relationships, not reaching out to others to make plans out of fear of rejection, not going on the bucket list trip due to flight anxiety, etc. It is in these situations in which we do not need to slow down and create more space (like in an angry heat of the moment) but actually quicken the response time between stimulus and intentional response, or knowing and doing. For individuals struggling with anxiety, a value-driven, goal-oriented, and more satisfied life is often on the other side of doing, or taking healthy risks by approaching rather than avoiding anxiety-provoking yet objectively safe situations. A tagline for therapy for these individuals is to “avoid avoiding.” A meaningful and satisfied life is often on the other side of healthy risk-taking by closing the knowing and doing gap. By engaging in this intentional action and facing fears, these individuals teach their bodies that the fear, or its intensity, is often unnecessary and unhelpful. One of the best ways to decrease unwanted and unneeded fear is to expose yourself to that which is feared and engage in new behavior. This exposure teaches your body and mind that the action is most likely safer than anticipated, making similar behavior in the future much less anxiety-provoking and more approachable.
I think if I were to edit Dr. Frankl’s quote, it would say something like, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our TIMELY response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Write about It
What are some unhelpful, emotion-driven reactions or behaviors that you would like to address in your life? Write them down in a vertical list. Examples may include yelling, name calling, drinking or using other substances, shopping, or procrastinating.
In a second column to the right of the emotion-driven behaviors, brainstorm value-driven alternatives or preferred responses that you can do in place of the emotional reactions. Examples may include calmly walking away when a conversation becomes heated so as not to yell, banning name calling, going for a walk instead of drinking when stressed, etc.
Do Something About It: Take Action
Be increasingly aware of unhelpful, emotion-driven reactions by catching yourself when you engage in emotion-driven behaviors or have the urge to do so.
Take action steps that align with the value-driven behaviors you outlined above, and acknowledge and celebrate your new behaviors.
Acknowledge that you are human and will inevitably make mistakes and have unhelpful emotional reactions in the future. When this happens, be self-compassionate. Consider factors that made you vulnerable to those reactions (e.g., were you hungry or tired) and plan to increasingly address those factors now and in the future. Do the next “right” or effective thing, such as apologizing to affected parties and establish a plan to correct the behavior in the future.
Talk About It
Need further guidance? Therapy can help us gain insight into behavioral patterns and involve problem-solving ways to change them to reflect your values and the person you want to be. Behavior change is hard, and I would be happy to help.
