The Carrot or the Stick: Motivating Behavior with Self-Compassion Versus Self-Criticism
You have probably heard the saying “the carrot or the stick” which can refer to two ways to motivate a horse’s or donkey’s behavior - by hanging a carrot in front of it or beating it with a stick from behind. I often use this metaphor with my clients prone to self-criticism, who mentally whip themselves following an actual or perceived mistake, shortcoming, or setback. Self-criticism can sound like, “I can’t do anything right,” “I’m a loser,” and “I’m bad.” I also often hear people say to themselves, “It shouldn’t be this hard” or “I should have known better.” However, they are usually describing a task or situation that was new, objectively hard or complex, and in which they were doing their best at the time - which is all they can ever ask of themselves.
Self-criticism, especially when learning something new or doing something uncomfortable, always brings up an image in my mind: Like someone sitting down to play the piano for the first time and beating themselves up that they don’t know how to play. “This shouldn’t be so hard! I should be able to do this already!” But there is some playful absurdity in that image. Of course that individual does not know how to play - they have never been taught! They have never practiced! And beating themselves up for it makes them no closer to becoming a better piano player. The alternative is much more inviting and promotes more effective behavior. Imagine responding to yourself compassionately in that situation and channeling the warmth of a loving parent or good friend. You might say, “Of course, I don’t know how to play the piano well yet. I am learning a new skill which can be hard and overwhelming at first. I can do what I need to do to learn.” The self-compassionate approach promotes resilience and effective action to make it more likely that they can achieve their goal of becoming a piano player, such as watching YouTube videos about playing piano, hiring a teacher and taking lessons, etc.
I was recently watching a baby learning to walk. Family and friends were gathered around her, cheering for her and any slight movement she made that aligned with walking. They clapped and shouted, “Good job!” after she fell and helped her back up to try again. How beautiful and compassionate our interactions are with young ones learning new skills! And yet, it seems that we lose this love and normalization of learning as we grow older. Imagine the alternative - shouting at a baby that they should know how to walk! Of course, they do not know how yet. And of course there are hard things for you as an adult, too. We are lifelong learners. There will always be something to learn or improve and that is a beautiful challenge. Remember to respond to yourself with acceptance and grace and cheer yourself on because life is hard and we do not need to make it any harder on ourselves.
Write about It
How do you respond to yourself following a perceived mistake or when learning something new or difficult?
Do you tend to motivate yourself more with the carrot or the stick? That is, do you respond to yourself gently and with self-compassion or do you criticize yourself?
What effect does this current approach have on you? Would you like to change it?
Do Something About It: Take Action
Write a list of self-compassionate statements that you can say to yourself now and in the future. You may choose to place these on a sticky note, note card, or in the notes app on your phone so that you can conveniently consult them when needed.
Examples include:
I did my best and that is all I can ever ask of myself. I can do what I need to do in order to do differently next time.
Mistakes are part of being human. I made a mistake, and I will do what I need to in order to address it.
Read About It:
https://self-compassion.org/ by Dr. Kristin Neff
Talk About It
Need further guidance? Therapy can be a helpful place to explore where a pattern of self-criticism developed, what is maintaining it, and how to change it. Reach out today. I would be happy to work with you.
