Small Action Steps You Can Take Today to Build & Maintain Friendships
Upon finishing graduate school, I felt as if a tornado had swept through my social life. After keeping my head down for 5 years with a singular focus of obtaining a diploma, I finally looked up after graduation to assess the damage: prioritizing academic work above all else led to the destruction of my relationships with family members and friends. OK, destruction is a strong word and decay is more accurate, but I am trying to make this storm metaphor work here. I felt as if I was a sole survivor left to repair and rebuild my community.
A storm damage assessment, if you will, gave me insight into the factors that led to my lack of social support at that time and motivation to change it. Rather than academic stress, anxiety, or schoolwork being in the driver’s seat of my life, with space, awareness, information, and clarity I could increasingly take control and choose to engage in behaviors that align with my values, namely social connection. I intentionally reached out to former and existing friends, sending texts, making occasional phone calls, meeting up for coffee dates, attending yoga or exercise classes together, etc. Over time, my social circle deepened and widened.
Relationships require intentional effort and investment. It is never too late to build or maintain a relationship. It simply requires awareness and willingness to do something differently.
Write about It
Consider your relationships with family members, friends, colleagues, and important others. What do you think about the status of these relationships? How do you feel about them? How satisfied are you with them?
Imagine your ideal community. Who would be in it? How would you speed your time with them? How much time would you spend with them?
Do Something About It: Take Action
Take the image of your ideal community above and work backwards, identifying action steps that you can take now to make that ideal community a greater reality in the future.
Make a list of all of the people in your life. Perhaps time yourself for 5 minutes and see how many people you can write down. You may want to start with your closest family members and friends and then think outside the box: consider friendly acquaintances that you may want to get to know better like the fellow parent at school drop-off or the kind coworker. I would then challenge you to time travel and list old friends and friendly acquaintances. Then draw a few concentric circles (circle within a circle within a circle) and include yourself in the middle or bulls-eye. Label it “Me.” Draw dots indicating a person to varying degrees of closeness (closer to you in the center means a closer friend) and label the dot with the person’s name.
Choose at least one person and relationship that you would like to strengthen. Challenge yourself to reach out and take one action step today (like right now!) to strengthen that relationship. For example, send a text or email or handwritten note just to let them know that you are thinking of them. Schedule a date for coffee or other shared activities.
Let the calendar do the work for you. Establish a regular cadence of talking on the phone with a friend or family member like every Friday at 5:00PM on your way home from work or for meeting up like for a Saturday morning coffee or weekday lunch.
Join an established group that meets regularly can also facilitate more regular social interaction that can be scheduled into your weekly and monthly routine. Examples include joining a sports team or league (e.g., golf, tennis, pickleball, volleyball); signing-up for a recurring athletic group (e.g., running, triathlon, biking) or class (e.g., yoga, martial arts, dancing); joining a small group (e.g., Bible study, book club, self-help or 12-step group); signing-up for a recurring art or music class; volunteering regularly (e.g., at a local hospital or nursing home, soup kitchen, animal shelter, zoo, museum, or other organization); or joining a professional organization that meets regularly.
Have an event coming up and wish you had plans? Make them! I encourage clients to take control of their holidays and birthdays and to do at least one thing with another person that they might enjoy on these dates.
Take a risk. And start small. Establishing relationships requires healthy risk-taking. It often means putting yourself out there, saying “yes” to an invitation, or reaching out to initiate social plans.
Continue to invest.
Let values and goals be your guide rather than comfort. Practice willingness. Lean in.
Talk About It
Seek therapy. If you believe certain beliefs about yourself or others are impeding your ability to have the social life you crave, you may consider starting therapy to work through them. Similarly if the fear and anxiety in social situations is overwhelming, a trained mental health professional may be able to help you find relief via therapy, medication, or a combination to make it more feasible for you to act in value-aligned ways and strengthen your support circle. Reach out today. I would be happy to help.
